The Elephant in the Room

Recently, I became defensive at a parent meeting and had to remind myself about the elephant in the room.

The parents wanted to discuss a concern over student programming and, like any effective superintendent, I welcomed them into the office, inquired about how their children were doing in school, and then, with a notepad in hand, listened and jotted down their concerns.  

Until I stopped listening and became defensive. 

The parents were earnest and passionate as they shared their ideas and concerns, and they completed each thought with polarized statements like: “All students are feeling this way…” or “No child ever has an opportunity to…” or “The school district never provides programs that…”  Everything was absolute; every comment clearly indicated that the school district and its staff were at fault, misguided and inflexible.

Instead of being patient, I interrupted; instead of being curious, I was defensive. I pushed back and said they were incorrect and they misunderstood. I was eager to prove them wrong.  After some uncomfortable and testy exchanges I took a deep breath and remembered the parable of the Blind Men and the Elephant.

In the Indian folk tale, several blind men come upon an elephant, and each one touches a different part of the animal. One blind man grabs the tusk and proclaims that the elephant is like a spear; another touches the elephant’s leg and says an elephant is like a tree; yet another feels the tail and asserts the elephant is like a rope.  The men argue with one another and each man insists he is right and the others are wrong.

Of course, none of the blind men are necessarily right about the elephant; neither are they wrong.  Each blind man is correct about how he “sees” the elephant; each man understands the elephant through their individual perspective and experience.  They have not yet experienced all dimensions and parts of the elephant, and so they must insist on their view as being the truth.  The moral of the story is that we all experience the world a little differently. 

When I was meeting with the parents I had forgotten to remember that in their absolute statements they were expressing their personal perspective, their truth.  They were sharing what they had experienced - and it was very real to them.  They had only touched the “tail” of the issue we were discussing and instead of helping them recognize the possibility of other perspectives, I became as defensive as one of the blind men and insisted that, “No!  You are wrong. The problem is this…” I was focused on proving to them that I was right, and they were incorrect. I wasn't listening for understanding.

After recognizing my blunder and realizing that the conversation had almost come to an impasse, I remembered the Indian folktale, took a deep breath, and we started over.  This time I acknowledged that their perspective was valid and after asking many more questions and expressing curiosity rather than judgment, we continued to have a productive discussion.  The parents also agreed that there were other perspectives, and there were other possibilities they couldn't see that helped them to realize their original concern was actually multifaceted and complex. There were no quick fixes, easy answers, or straight paths to a resolution.

I’ve come to learn over time that many concerns that parents, students, and staff have are often not straightforward issues that can easily be identified, defined, or solved.  Many concerns in education, and in life, are often nuanced, delicate, and complicated.  I actually think we mostly live, learn, and lead not in an absolute world, but we exist mostly in the gray - with the uncertainty, ambiguity, and subtle differences that make us human.

Listening to and acknowledging another’s perspective, empathizing with another’s personal experience, and expressing curiosity about an alternative view invites us to more fully explore a problem and understand an expressed concern. 

Remembering the elephant in the room helps us to move forward in a way that allows for more productive discussions and helps us to find solutions to sometimes thorny, complicated, and human issues.